Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
