So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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