You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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