i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
