I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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