i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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