Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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