Where is the hickey?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
