New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
