I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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