Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
