He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
