I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
