When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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