Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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