I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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