All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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