Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
