i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
