When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Randomize
