look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
