You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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