There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize