I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
