Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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