Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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