It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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