I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
