Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
