There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
