You can't special order awesome
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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