Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
