The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
