Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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