I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
