The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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