remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
