I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have feelings that need drinking.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
