I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
