ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
