I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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