I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
