Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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