i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
