I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
