areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
