After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
