I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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