his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
