I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
