Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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