I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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