Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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