She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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