that's what penises do
they tell lies.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
